An upset stomach has me awake in the middle of the night. Sometimes, I have so many thoughts running through my mind, I don't always focus. But this morning, one particular thought stands out in my head. More of an observation, than anything else.
Have you ever notice when a person gets sick, others will pray for them, call them, or bring them food? Each of these are very nice things to do for people to help the individual get better. Or when a person passes away, family comes together to share their condolences with the grieving family. This shows how much the deceased person and her family are loved.
But what is bothering today, I am speaking specifically about my mother, is that when a person like Mom, has a serious medical condition, like Dementia, that NOT many people (family) offer do anything for her. Such as going to visit or taking her out to eat or including her in other family activities on a regular basis.
Since Mom's dementia was diagnosed last year, there have been noticeable changes in her memory and behavior. My brother and I are her primary caregivers. We are a team that is dedicated to caring for Mom. Our sole purpose is to see that she is happy in life. We have had to alter our own life so that we may share in her care. It is a very difficult balance and requires coordination of our schedules. We have to be flexible and learn as we go through this journey with her.
Mom comes from a family of 11 children (7 girls, 4 boys). Recently, my mother lost her first sibling, a sister who was 1 1/2 years older than her. Mom was very sadden by her loss. Fortunately, Mom went to visit her at her deathbed and told her, I will love you always. Luckily, Mom has accepted her sister's death and realizes that her sister is no longer suffering on this earth. Initially, I was worried whether Mom would remember this event or not. So far she has and it seems to be embedded in her mind now.
At the funeral, mother sat quietly with her other siblings and accepted hugs from people offering their sympathy for the loss of their sister. Sometimes, when Mom reaches out to hug or kiss a person, she tends to touch their face. I couldn't help notice how one particular relative quickly grabbed her hand so that Mom would not touch their face. Up till now, I had never witness an adult actually reject her touch. However, this rejection actually bothered me when I saw it happen. Maybe because it wasn't a slow suddle motion but an actual deliberate reaction to avoid her touch. I did not mention it to Mom. Instead, I made a mental note about the incident to myself. Luckily, Mom really didn't notice or pay much attention so it didn't ever bothered her. However, I got the impression based on this person's past behavior that they don't like to be around my mother much anymore. Recently, I've notice them leaving the room whenever she comes around.
I often tell Mom not to touch children or people in general because they may not like it. When she meets a stranger's child, she usually will ask permission from the parent if she may touch their child. She is superstitious about giving a child "ojos". So far, all parents have been kind to her and allowed their child to be touch.
Mom has wonderful social skills and loves people in general. She loves her siblings tremendously, but hardly sees them. I once asked one of my aunts (Mom's sister) if she would ask her brothers and sisters to spend a few hours a week with Mom. I was surprised when she responded, "that is something you need to ask". Wow, It's funny things changed quickly. How this same aunt had initially offered numerous of times to take Mom to her doctor's appointments or help in any other ways. But after 2 doctor visits, she pretty much has said, "that you and Eric need to take your Mom". So, I've quit asking. I've realized quickly that Eric & I are on our own now.
My husband had told me about a similar story when his father had cancer and all his family would make offers to take him to the doctor or help out with transportation issues. But it didn't take long to recognize when the family no longer wants to be bothered with such problems. It didn't matter that he had taken family leave from the Marine Corp to be close to his father or that he did not own a car. He actually warned me that initially everyone will offer to help but when it comes down to it, nobody ever will. He was truly right.
However, I am fortunate to have one relative from my father's family who love and adore my mother so very much, my beloved Aunt Minnie & Uncle Roy. They have extended offers to have Mom visit more regularly on numerous occasions. I am so grateful that they have a solid and genuine relationship with Mom. They have expressed their desire to stay involved in my Mom's life to the very end.
Often, I think to myself, Mom's memory is fading and if anybody wants to be remembered by her, I recommend they make a conscientious effort to call and visit her. Otherwise, if they do not, it is very likely that Mom will not remember them. Their memory will be forever lost. Once this happens, I can never change the final outcome.
I am trying to be proactive and I have started searching through caregiver resources to find an assisted living facility. As much as I hate the thought, I have to be realistic. I have been told that as Mom's condition worsens, that she will most likely need the care assisted living provides. For now, I am an optimist, I believe that my brother and I are the best caregivers for Mom. She nurtured us as children, it's our time to nurture her. I am considering to join an Alzheimer's support group and my sweet Aunt Minnie (Dad's side) has offered to come with me. Isn't it funny, that those that care the most are not always related by blood. Suddenly, I understand the meaning "Family isn't always blood related."
