I feel like I have a heart of stone when I tell my mother that "I don't care how many cigarettes you smoke." But truth be told, I do care. However, I know she doesn't realize how bad smoking is to her health. Mom's mind has gone back to a different time in her past life when she used to smoke with my father.
They didn't care how much they smoked, nor did they care if they smoked inside their house. They didn't care that their children were exposed to second-hand smoke or that we didn't like them smoking at all. No, they just didn't care. Bottom line, they were addicted to tobacco. Period. Of course, this is back in my youth when Eric didn't smoke unlike he does today.
So when I say, "I don't care", I really do. However, I can NOT blame myself for what Mom does to her own body. I will not be blamed for her actions. It is not my fault. If Mom was in the right mindset, she would not smoke today. She would have the willpower to kick the bad habit. But her memory loss has caused Mom to be a different person, it's changed her personality to where she just doesn't care anymore. She doesn't care that I hate her to smoke. She doesn't care what I think at all. Besides she reminds me that I am not the boss of her and that she only smokes 5 cigarettes a day. BULLSHIT. This I know is not true, she just doesn't remember how much she really smokes. She only knows when she is out of cigarettes.
She tried to justify her smoking by saying, "I'm smoking this for Edward." Oh, yeah, like that is so sweet! I am being vicious when I say this!!! Does it not matter that my father died of a massive heart attack!. He was only 58 years old. He smoked his whole life. Ever since he was a kid in grade school. From early morning, a cigarette was the first thing in his mouth, to late night when it was the last thing he did before going to bed. I hate smoking! It is not glamorous to me. It killed my father. Smoking is a selfish act.
Now, it totally infuriates me that Mom will not stop smoking. There, I've said it. I really do care but I don't want to. It's too depressing to care so much! It makes me sad and unhappy that I have little control over this situation.
So what do I do when she tells me that she needs to buy more cigarettes? I take her to Walmart to buy a carton for $70 bucks. What a waste of money? It's a neverending cycle, my arguments with Mom to quit smoking go round and round in a circle.
